Searching for Linda Blair

Today, my mom took me and Garbo to the largest Earth Day celebration in L.A. Dad had to work and that is too bad because he is my favorite human playmate. When my mom put a leash on me (which I hate!) and we meandered to Woodley Avenue Park in Van Nuys, I kept looking back expecting to see Dad lagging behind. It took me a while to realize that my playmate wasn't there.

But off we went. When I learned that animal activist extraordinaire Linda Blair would be there, I swaggered into the fair. Regan has long been my hero for her activism with abused and abandoned animals. I couldn't wait to meet her.

Once there, I learned more about cruelty to animals than I ever imagined in a million dog years. At one booth, one giant poster showed the face of a cow saying, "Don't eat a cow, man!"

Vegans aplenty. There was even a vegan baking party thrown by Bismark of the Beast with vegan doughnuts, cheesecake, muffins and black forest cake. The nice lady gave us a card that said www.myspace.com/getdownbakelove. She said I looked like an Ewok. I was a little insulted, but then she gave me some meatless pastry.

We learned that minks need their fur more than you! And we saw horrible photos of doomed minks trapped in rusty cages awaiting slaughter. We saw cages chock full with faux chickens, de-beaked and toes trimmed, showing what actually happens during the hellish life of chickens raised for meat.

"I am not a nugget!" one chick in a photo exclaimed. Same for pigs. And chimps, don't get me started.

Anyhow, by 5 p.m., I was pooped, ready for a siesta. But I wanted to wait for Linda. At the information booth, the kind lady assured us that Linda Blair would be at the main stage at 5:15 p.m. sharp. I begged my mom and she finally agreed to wait with me and Garbo.

At 5:15 p.m., as sure as I'm lounging on my suitcase blogging right now, a man stood on the stage and introduced "a fine actor and dedicated animal activist..."

"COREY FELDMAN!"

What? Before I knew it the former boy actor who wore the black glasses in "Stand By Me" and doesn't like Michael Jackson was telling the crowd about his 25 years of vegetarianism and how his baby son "has not had an ounce of meat from the moment of conception." We learned that Corey buys planet products in grocery stores.

"Whether you're a doctor, lawyer, dog or a cow, you are important to this planet," said Corey, who lives in nearby Chatsworth. He was addressing me! Corey was talking to me!

An obviously drunk young man with a nearly shaved head who was wearing jeans so low his underwear was hanging out, kept yelling, "I love steak!"

"Whatever he said I'm sure it was important and funny," Corey replied, trying to put the drunken youth in his place. But the heckler kept screaming the same disturbing mantra:

"Steak! Steak! Steak!"

Despite interruptions by the rude carnivore, Corey introduced his young, pretty wife Susie, who he said was public speaking for the first time. She apologized for being an "eco-Nazi," (huh?) before telling folks to visit 1planet1people.net, where she sells jewelry. I don't wear jewelry, but was glad to hear her wares don't fuel conflict in the planet.

"No endangered stones are used," she promised, reminding me that I really could use a new dog collar.

"Win the war of positivity over negativity!" Corey urged us. Before I could figure out what the heck he was talking about, another man entered the stage and began discussing all of Linda's wonderful efforts rescuing downtrodden creatures. My Linda Blair! Might she show up, after all?

"She's a wonderful person...," the man said. "I think she's already packed up and left."

Drats! When the man implored the crowd to save the dolphins, and the belligerent youth replied, "Eat the dolphins!" we left.

Disappointed, but still high on Corey's message of positivity over negativity, Garbo, I and my mom slowly headed for the car. A passerby said I looked like "a wise, old professor," just one last crack to add to the humiliation of being stood up by Linda.

Then my mom took me to the beach. I tell you, happiness is rolling on the sand.